I was having a chat with a friend online earlier, and we were remiscing on how at one point, it was a lot easier to keep up with our friends in the furry world. Basically everyone was on the same chats, Those differed a little bit from time to time, but for many years the hubs of furry activity were IRC, and Livejournal. If you wanted to find anyone, they were probably on one, or both of those things. There were always other places where small groups would form, but the vast majority of folks were in those places. 

This made it so easy to find anyone. Today there are a dozen different places that everyone has scattered off to. Different websites, different chat programs, different social media. It's become a burden now to find people. Along with that, how we communicate has changed a lot. A lot more emphisis now is on microblogging, or instant messages. Things where it's just impossible to really lay out a full thought because either you're squeezed for space, or pressed for time. For some of us, like myself, this has made keeping up with thins in general a lot less fun. 

Livejournal, was great because you could take your time, and you weren't constrained to a specific number of characters for a reply. If you didn't get to saying something for days, that was also just fine. It wasn't going to disappear into a flooded timeline like things do on modern social media. In a lot of ways, it was better. The interactions were better, the conversations were better, the only thing that could be considered a negative is that it wasn't instant like modern things are. But that wasn't really so bad. 

I kinda' wish that we could have that again here. That we could find the people that were interested in that kind of long form, forum style interaction and collect them in one place. i know we'll never have Livejournal as it was ever again. And Dreamwidth while good, isn't what Liverjournal was at that time. but it would be really nice to have something that filled that spot that seems to be missing today again. 

At least we still have Dreamwidth, and the folks I've come across so far seem to be really nice here. We can sitll enjoy that for now, and maybe hoepfully in the future, more people will decide to come back to this kind of environment. I can hope. That said, I hope that IRC will come back too. Even if I realize both of these things are extremely unlikely. 

Camping. 

I really kinda' want to take a trip and go camping. And just bring either my pens and some paper, or this tablet and enough battery to keep it charged for the duration. I'd like to see what happens if I just go somewhere and live a simpler life. Somewhere in the wilderness where I can disconnect from the chronically online life and focus on just getting some of the ideas and stuff that are in my head out. 

I'm reminded of Thoreau and his cabin in the woods where he went on retreat and wrote Walden. Something like that sounds really appealing to me. Just being able to concentrate on the simple things in life, and writing. As well, its been a really long time since I got out into nature, even a little. Over 20 years. I think the last time I went camping was in the early 2000's, and even that was only a few times. I'm not even sure where the good spots to camp down here are anymore. But as we head into the fall season and, (hopefully,) cooler temperatures it couldn't hurt to look. 

I remember back near where I used to live in NY, there were places where I could rent a small, simple cabin for a short time. Something like that might be a good starting point. I could work out of a tent if I was just going for a weekend or something, but if I wanted to spend a little longer something a little more solid would be best. Something like that would probably also have at least a small desk or room for one inside. They have the same thing down here, some places even let you rent by the month. I'd love to do that if I could afford it. Just rent a cabin for a month and spend that time mostly writing. 

I'm not sure if / when I'll get to actually do something like that, but it's a nice little dream, the biggest hurdle to jump over to make this happen is just finding the time to do it. 

I don't know how many of them I've seen. Those little memes that show a house that's either the picture perfect haunted house, or some lonely cabin out in the middle of nowhere. With a little text around it saying something like, "Would you stay here for X money?" Sometimes, I wish someone would do it seriously.

Often they want you to give up things like Facebook or Twitter, or even the internet all together. And I'd be alright with doing that. About the only place I'd draw the line is I'd want to be allowed at least a phone for emergency calls in the event something really bad happened and I needed help. Honestly most of the things these memes ask you to live without are things that wouldn't really be hard for me to do without at all.

I'd spend a month or even more. I'd mostly work on writing, and I'd write letters to friends and family to stay in touch. I grew up without the internet, so it's not something I haven't done before. It would almost be like a little vacation. And often times, these houses are in the middle of beautiful places! Serene forests, or mountain ranges, surrounded by trees and wildlife. It'd be almost like a little vacation.

As long as I was allowed to have a typewriter, a couple pens, and some paper. I'd probably rather enjoy it. I've thought a few times about going off and just spending a little time alone with my thoughts, so that I could get more of the stuff I want to write out of my head. I've had an idea or three for some longer stories, but I never seem to have the time to put them togehter. This would definitely give me that time.

But that said, obviously no one is going to come out of the woodwork and offer me to live the meme. Still, it gives me a chuckle to think about it.

Have you ever had it happen where something you've seen in the past takes the joy out of an otherwise good thing? I haven't had it happen often, but once in a while something will hit me just right and bring up feelings or memories that I haven't had to think about or feel in a long time. It happened again just a short while ago.

I was browsing social media and a friend posted a photo of their fursuit. It was cute, maybe even a little hot. (Or maybe I was just a little horny at the time and it initially just tapped into that on some level). I just looked at it for a little bit and then moved on as one does with posts like that. But, a few minutes later I was thinking about it again.

I couldn't get the image out of my head for some reason, and instead of it being a source of joy, or maybe half hearted arousal. it started hitting different. I hadn't been feeling anything negative at all when I initially saw it. But as I looked at it again that feeling got stronger. it was pain from somewhere. And then I realized what was going on. It had nothing to do with the image other than the pose. The last time I saw someone in that pose, they'd been beaten and were crying.

I've been through a lot. I've seen things I wish I hadn't, and been through things I'm sometimes glad I don't entirely remember. But now and again, like tonight, those things come back to haunt me. They say time heals all wounds, but I guess some of mine are deep enough that even after all these years they're still healing.

When I was young, I always wanted to go to Australia.  Like from about the time I was 9 or 10 I had a big map of it on my bedroom wall, and was just in love with the idea.  But I didn't  just want to visit there, I wanted to move there.  I've wanted to move to a different country for some time.  

Then I fell in love with the idea of going to Alaska. This is one of the few places outside the contiguous U.S. that I did actually get to go to.  I spent some time there, enough to get a real feel for what living in Alaska would be like, but at the time I didn't have the resources to really stay there.  So I had to come home.  I was only 19 at the time.  

After that, my thoughts turned to leaving the U.S. again.  And by that time I had started spending a lot of time with friends up in Canada, and the idea of potentially moving to Canada had been bouncing around in my head for at least a couple years.  But moving from one country to another is not only hard, but it also comes with a significant dollar value attached to it most of the time.  Not just for moving physically there, but because most countries have a requirement that you must have a set amount of money available as liquid assets just to qualify to move there.  Back then, the requirement to move to Canada was around $10,000 U.S..  I was still just a young dude and had no way of getting that kind of money together.  There were some other ways to move up, like getting a job and getting your employer to sponsor you, or going to college up there.  But trying to get a job in another country is very, VERY, hard if you don’t have some special skill that they need, and going to college in another country can be very expensive as well.  So neither of those ways were going to work out for me.  I was stuck, so I just let it go.  

Over the years since then, I’ve entertained the idea of moving a few more times.  Mostly to places that are either in the E.U., or again to Canada or Australia.  But things haven’t gotten any easier when it comes to doing that, and i still don’t have any way of getting it done.  I’ve kind of had to come to the realization that I may want to, I’m probably never going to be able to move out of the United States.  And the older I get, the more whatever hope I still have to do this fades.  I haven’t totally given up on it, but barring something miraculous happening I see no way of moving forward with it.  

If I do move again, it’s probably going to be a case of moving to wherever in the U.S. I can find that works best for me.  Maybe somewhere out west or up north, but in the end I don’t know how much of a difference it’ll make. Many of my main reasons for moving out of the U.S. aren’t really addressed by just moving somewhere else in it.

While I have some real issues with living in Florida, I’ve also been here for over 20 years.  It’s at this point the single place that I’ve spent the most time in, and while it may never really feel like “home”, it’s probably as close as I can get to it right now.  I may just have to learn to accept that.  That for better or worse, Florida is just where I’m going to be.